Why Can't We Be Friends?.....

My cat has got the hump with me.

We didn’t have a spectacular falling out. More like a minor disagreement. I did something stupid you see. I introduced this…..

…… to this.

I let my girlfriend bring her new puppy (Peggy) over to stay with us for the night. I thought it would be OK, seeing as my cat (Dotty) has grown up with a dog since birth. Back when I lived at my house, I owned a Labrador (Jack), and a cat called Holly. Now Holly was, truth be told, a bit of a hussy. Before I had her neutered, she would spend all night “entertaining” all the local tomcats. It would get so bad that they would all gang up and form a kind of male feline barbershop quartet and sing outside my house, trying to lure her outside. There would be about four of them, singing and tap dancing away into the night. She would sit preening by the window as they tried their best to entice her, but she never gave in to them. She was very much like Beyonce in that respect. An independent woman.

But then there came the day that brought shame on my house. She fell pregnant by one of them. I didn’t know she was pregnant. I had no idea in fact until the day I came home from work and found her spinning round in circles, highly agitated and trying to get my attention.

MIAAAAAROOOOOW! She cried at me.

Now if this had been a Lassie movie, I could have immediately recognised what that cry meant, and rushed out and saved the boy trapped in the well/mineshaft/from Indians. But sadly this wasn’t a Lassie film, and I was by no means clever enough to figure out what her problem was. Well, not until her lower half convulsed and a tiny, beautiful, little kitten popped out. Then I finally got it. Dotty was born. And immediately fell in love with my dog. They were inseparable, as you can see. I didn't get a look in.

Sadly, since then I believe Holly was either run over or injured, as she never came home one night and I never saw her again. It was terrible, but that is one of the risks of owning cats. They are fearless adventurers that have no regard for personal safety. And quite often they can go and break your heart as well. So Dotty was without a mum. But that was OK, I raised her as my very own. I taught her how to hunt, clean, but I drew the line at breastfeeding.

As personal circumstances changed, I moved to a flat and had to let Jack live with a relative as it wasn’t fair on him being cooped up in a tiny apartment. He’s doing fine (if a little plumper than I last left him), and I’m looking forward to the day when I can have him back (hopefully next year). But Dotty came with me and we started a new life of domestic bliss. She is the perfect flat cat as she has no interest in what goes on outside. All she is interested in is eating, cleaning herself, and flirting if she meets any new men. But all in all we get along great. She lets me know when she wants food; I let her know when it’s not OK to claw my new sofa.

But then on Saturday I had to spoil it by bringing Peggy over.

The puppy was pleased to see me. But then again, puppies always are. They are pleased about everything. From seeing a new person, to having a new shoe to chew, everything kicks off a nonstop party in a puppy’s world.

I walked outside to greet them both, and immediately had her clawing at my leg and trying to lick my face (the puppy, not my girlfriend, just in case you thought we greeted each other like that) My good mood was increased even further by this. How can you not be in a good mood by having something that pleased to see you?

You can if you’re a cat.

I assumed from Dotty having lived with, and loved, her own dog, she might be tolerant of this one. Sadly I was wrong.

Dotty normally rushes to the door whenever anybody comes through it, and this time it was no exception. Though when she saw what was sitting there on a lead, she screeched to a halt and back peddled so much I thought she was going to turn inside out. With a look that screamed WHAT THE F**K IS THAT?, she shot off in a grey blur, closely followed by a brown blur of puppy.

So for the next few hours we had Peggy deciding that this new furry thing was going to be her plaything, even if it was trying to scratch her eyes out. The cat managed to achieve the impossible by actually traversing the whole length of the flat, room to room, without actually putting a paw on the ground. The tops of wall cabinets, fridges, sofas, radiators, all were used with stunning effect. At one point she seemed to channel The Matrix and leap over the dog from the sofa to the dining room table. Backwards. It was hard not to mentally applaud her for doing this.

And then Dotty disappeared. Vanished. She was in the flat somewhere, but as to where I had no idea. I half expected her to leap out ninja style and attack me for bringing this small demon into our world. But she didn’t. She just hid. And waited.

Eventually Peggy tired out and collapsed on the sofa. Now I have to mention that this is one of the most flatulent dogs I have ever met. She is so full of gas you could probably pick her up and squeeze a rather stirring rendition of Auld Lang Syne out of her. And when she sleeps, this is the time she starts emitting the foulness. The person sitting nearest her notices it at first. You see their face scrunch up and you know that the all powering stench is coming your way and there will be no escaping it. So as you are both convulsed over, trying to gasp clean air through your mouth so you can’t actually smell it, the puppy will have a look on its face as if to say, my work here is done.

We thought it would be best to let her sleep on the sofa, and headed off to bed ourselves. At about one in the morning, I awoke to find something licking the small of my back. It was the puppy. Now if this was some dodgy 70’s UK sitcom, I obviously would have thought it was my girlfriend being amorous and much hilarity would have ensured. Instead in my sleep filled state I thought I was being sexually assaulted by a midget with a beard.

“Wha fuh?” I mumbled, pulling back the bed covers. Peggy looked up at me with an expression that said, It’s early, I’m up. Let’s play!

I leapt out of bed and went to turn the light on. Before I did so, I almost screamed out in terror as I saw two furious looking green eyes glaring at me from out of my wardrobe. I had found the cat.

I tapped Kates on the shoulder, and forced out the word “Dog” from my sleep muddled mouth, pointing at the furry bundle of joy bounding about on the bed, and let her return it safely to the other room whilst I collapsed face first on the bed cover..

About an hour later, I was the one getting a tap on the shoulder.

“Your snoring is really bad tonight” Kate said, roughly translated as “Can you sleep on the sofa?”

So muttering something about “This is my flat/bloody animals keeping me awake/poxy sofa” I stumbled into the living room, passing the puppy, who jumped up on the warm spot I left on the bed and promptly fell asleep. I swear I could hear the cat sniggering from inside the wardrobe.

I finally dropped off, but got woken up again about half hour later by something biting my ears. The puppy was back and had joined me on the sofa, and was now lying on my back, nibbling my ear lobes.

“Kate! Dog!” I cried out.

Kate appeared in the doorway, sleepy eyed.

“She just likes you” she mumbled, picking the dog up and returning it to its blanket.

“Need sleep.” I groaned back. I thought I would chance my arm and sneak back into bed, my bed.

But yet again I get awoken by the tickle of whiskers and something licking my feet. By then I was too tired to complain, and just tried to move various bits of my body every time they got licked. But this of course now looked like a game. I had no idea where the next one was coming from. Nose. Ear. Knee. Toes. Belly button. All were victims to this relentless licking. I was wriggling around in bed faster than an epileptic at a rave.

“Kate! Dog!” I cried out into the night. The precious night, where blessed sleep normally occurs.

“I’ll take her home.” Kate replied, gathering up her bits. I was too tired to argue and just fell back into bed.

So the next day I had to try and convince my girlfriend that I did indeed love her dog and enjoyed having her over (which I honestly do), and also contend with one incredibly pissed off cat, who made it quite clear she was annoyed by actively cleaning her genitals every time I entered the room. She can be very childish sometimes.

My next pet is going to be a hamster by the way.

*As you may have guessed, I have totally given up on the idea of not writing about myself. I haven't been able to stop rabbiting on about my life lately. That still doesn't mean I think it's interesting though......If you do want to read something interesting, check out this blog by  Whisperingwriter .It's truly brilliant.*