Tuesday, 1 September 2009

And Now, The End Is Near......

And so, with all the finesse of a pissed up new divorcee at a house party, it seems that Big Brother will stay just that little bit longer on our screens until summer of next year.

This once colossal show has now become ridiculed and maligned to such an extent, that not even the Sun newspaper deems it worthy to report on it anymore.

I have often had a bit of a split personality relationship with reality TV. The programmes themselves I have never had a problem with, for I can see them for what they exactly are, expertly created hour long dramas in which the audience is manipulated into feeling exactly what the producers want them to. All the highs and lows, laughs, fights, and tears, are normally perfect entertainment to loose yourself in for an hour after work, and then forget about as soon as your head hits the pillow. Its the aftermath that really used to piss me off. Those fame hungry contestants are suddenly spewed out into the public eye, and the harsh glare of the photographers flashbulbs, and suddenly believe they are the second coming of Christ and you cant move for the fuckers. Magazines and newspapers would be filled with them, their lives, romances, and their slow decline as they slithered down the ladder of public conscious and they became figures of fun, ending up on tawdry game shows to be mocked and abused.

The four main reality TV shows here in the UK are Big Brother, I'm A Celebrity, Strictly Come Dancing, and The X Factor. Out of those four, two are populated entirely with minor league celebrities all hungry to promote their fading careers by either eating alligator cocks, or dragging some petrified dancer across the floor in what is supposed to be a passable rendition of a Viennese Waltz. So in many ways, as repulsive as some of these individuals were, you can understand their motives. They had been somewhere near the top before, and now ached to get back up there by whatever means possible. It kind of became somewhat of a paradox though when you had contestants of previous reality shows, going on celebrity reality shows to regain their own celebrity from being on reality TV shows. If you thought the Hadron Collider was going to end the world, try thinking about that for to long......

The other two were filled with the general public, and all the horrors that came with it. And believe me, there were many. And that is why I slowly gave up on Big Brother. If you have seen one cross dressing lesbian dwarf goat herder, well, you've seen them all. So I stopped watching a few years ago and never thought much about it.

But as this series started, and having way to much spare time on my hands due to circumstances out of my control, I decided to start watching once more. And through all the previous aggravations I had with the show, I forgot how much fun it could be if casted correctly. And they seemed to get a pretty good mix this year. True there were your stand out oddballs from the start, but on a whole they seemed like a pretty diverse bunch.

One thing in which I do think the show got right this year was to keep it fairly simple. Previous series had overcomplicated things too much by introducing far too many contestants, changing the whole format of the show round until it didn't resemble the programme we all knew. And don't get me started on the secret rooms. Each progressive series would have so many secret rooms, and chambers, the contestants would start scouring each room in the house looking for them, like some alcohol fueled version of Colditz. You almost expected one of them to turn the tap on in the bathroom, and a whole wall to suddenly spin round revealing an evil lair, Scooby Doo style.

So a fairly simplified show was now running, but what about the house mates?

My favourite all up to his eviction was Marcus, a creepy sex pest with all the social graces of a bear after receiving a baseball bat to the testicles. He swore and slimed his way into my affections like Brentford version of Billy Ray Cyrus. The show has died a bit since his departure.

My long standing nemesis on the show has to be Lisa. The leathery lesbian who is more intimidating than a chainsaw buzzing merrily inches from your eyeballs. Almost reptilian in appearance after nearly three months in the sun, her skin has almost become armour plated. If you watch her closely, you almost expect a foot long forked tongue to flick out of her mouth and snatch a fly out of the air as it buzzes past her head. Hateful woman.

Her partner in crime is David, who quite possibly is the ugliest man in the world. It is almost as though someone has stuck a candle under his chin, and the lower half of his face is slowly melting. Camp to almost being unlikable, all he does is agree with Lisa, and do what in his head appear to be amusing things, all the while checking out the cameras to make sure they are on him.

The house mate who has generated the most news from this series has to have been Noirin. Apparently old sailrs havve spoke tails of her for years, how she sits on rocks out on the ocean and lures unwary sailors to the doom with her beauty. Apparently to even look in her eyes makes you want to drop anything and be with her. After seemingly making every straight man in the house fall for her, she left in a cloud of broken hearts, followed by an American chap who resembled a retarded gorilla.

Amongst all the others who never really stood out for me, Siavash, Sophie, Rodrigo, etc You fiinally have Charlie, a man out of all this years contestants desperately wants to win the show more than anybody. He seems to have taken on the role of house joker, fun time Charlie, always liked by everyone with his crazy japes, when all you have to do is look in his eyes to see they are dead, like a dolls eyes. All he is concerned about is being crowned champion of a show that died a death a long, long time ago. Sometimes his persona does crack, and you get to see the rather nasty side of the man underneath. But knowing the general public, he will probably win the thing.

So this year has been pretty enjoyable. It is a shame that it has come to an end like this. A once regaled event TV show, reduced to a few obituaries and snide bylines in more reputable newspapers. But in its own way, the show was its own downfall. Rammed down our throats every year, its constant stream of not very nice people that were inescapable for six months were simply to much to take. To prolong the show it should have been transmitted every two years to keep it fresh.

Hows this for a new reality show? One house. Ten faded celebrities. Locks on every door. And one starving Bengal Tiger.

TV gold right there. But no one ever listens to me.

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