Tuesday, 24 November 2009


I stupidly made the mistake of looking in the spam inbox of my email yesterday. It was like opening the door to Pandora’s Box, but if Pandora’s Box contained a load of mental people with an almost pathological obsession with the length, shape, and general girth of my penis.

Now I can assure you, at no point have I ever wished for it to be enlarged, lengthened, or generally mucked around with. I will admit to wishing that I had a tiny pair of comedy glasses and fake moustache that I could pop on the end of it, just to really freak out the guy standing in the urinal next to me, but as far as penis alteration goes, that's as far as I am generally willing to take it.

And yet there seems to be people out there who are generally unhappy with the state of my friendly chap at the moment, and are literally begging me to do something about it.

Here are some examples:

These emails are as sent. None have been altered. Remember, never click on any link that is sent to you in crap like this.

I have lost my sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch: FIRE ANDCE

*Now as happy as anyone would like to be with more length, hardness and strength, if it makes me lose my sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch, then to be honest, having a super penis will mean nothing to me, as I won’t be able to use it. Or perhaps the person at the receiving end of this giant monstrosity was so shocked, they were rendered with all of the above?  Either way, I am sensing a fatal flaw in their advertising here.*


Strains in relationship? Make your queen wet Your rocket needs fuel?
Most effective desire boosters
*"Huston, we may have a problem here." I am definitely getting an Apollo 13 vibe from this one. Desire boosters? Rocket fuel? Does that mean I have to strap two little tanks of monomethyl hydrazine to my undercarriage? If so, then I’m out, I’m afraid. And imagine if there was an accident? The Kings of Leon would then be confirmed correct: This sex definitely is on fire. Along with the bed, and most of my apartment*


Satisfy Me, 1ncrease your LittlePenis 2-4 Inches now!
90 Days Guaranteeed. Medically Approved 100% by FDA

*I’m quite hurt by this one. This complete stranger has seen fit to mock my love package. That only normally happens with people that have actually met me, not total strangers on the internet. They have totally ruined any chance of me satisfying them now with this slanderous insult. Rude bastard. I'm taking me and my penis away. NO SATISFACTION FOR YOU SUNNY JIM!*
Become her brutal banger  Feel the deep pleasure Impulse for long love
Your woman wishes to be boned
*Brutal banger? I’m British. We just normally just cry halfway through and then take a shower afterwards as all that intimacy makes us feel dirty. And I have just sent a text to Kates asking her if she wanted to be “boned”. Her reply? “Not right now, I have a headache darling” . SCREW YOU MYSTERY PENIS ENHANCER PERSON! YOU WERE WRONG!!!!!*
It is your time to make love with hellish heat and heaven delight!
Heal your manhood with our cures, so it could please ladies as before!
Want to be a man with lots of stamina for nights? Take this solution!
She will moan as loud in alarm beneath you! Try male goods for affordable prices!
No needed arousal power? Return it today with our goods!

*A few things wrong with this one. Hellish heat and heaven delight I suppose I can handle. If it were comfortable heat and angel delight, then that would be better (I am particularly fond of the toffee flavour). The main thing that concerns me is my lady moaning in alarm beneath me. Now that doesn’t sound sexy, that sounds like assault. Either that or you have gone in the wrong entrance by mistake.*


1) Are you really HAPPY with yourPenis Size?
 2) PermanentPenis En1argement - En1arge up to 3-4 inches in length in just weeks!
 3) Thicken yourPenis - 1ncrease the girth (width) of yourPenis
 4) Create a BiggerPenisHead - Create a more muscular mushroomed looking PenisHead!
 5) Get More PowerfulErections - Develop 'RockHard' Elrection, each and every time no matter your age
*Let me address all the issues here one by one

1) Yes I am happy with my penis size, thank you for asking.

2) And how are you going to do this? By using a system of weights and pulleys to stretch it across the room? I don’t think so sunshine.

3) See 2.

4) At no point have I ever wanted my penis head to look like a mushroom. That would just look stupid. Do you have any other vegetable shapes? How about a turnip? Can you do that? If you can get it to look like a turnip, we might have a deal.

5) How powerful are we talking here? If I take my trousers off, will I be catapulted out the window? That doesn’t sound like fun. And a rock hard erection? True, it would make a handy thing to hang my keys on at night. But what about the worry that it could take someone's eye out with it? Or knock over lamps and stuff when I walk around my bedroom.  I’m pretty sure you haven’t thought this through?*

All joking aside, I have ordered all of them.

What? You never know?


Eva Gallant said...

That was a hilarious post! Loved it!!

JenJen said...

A never ending supply of blog fodder for those wanting to enhance their, um..."love package."

*giggle* that was my favorite part.

UberGrumpy said...

No! I've been had!

Thanks for the enlightenment. I knew it wasn't any bigger.

Mind you it's an extraordinary colour

Susan at Stony River said...

Well, I've now wet my pants laughing, so if that counts for anything, sure you don't need any of it after all.

I could think of better photos for this post than a tin of SPAM, thank you.
You know, just saying.

hope said...

Susan and I discussed this with Radge this week. I averaged 145 of these messages A DAY last week and I don't even possess the right equipment!

And frankly, some of the subject headers alone made me run in fear. :0

Lorenza said...

You know Dan how powerful is a good portion of TIRAMISU'? Translated from Italian it means "pull me up"...I wonder if there is a link...

Long dark hair, blue eyes said...

This made me laugh out loud!! I had a crap day and really needed that - Thanks Dan.

Kim Ayres said...

I thought about ordering them, but couldn't figure out how I would be able to afford it. However, lady luck has shined on me as just this morning I had the 3rd wife of a dead Nigerian prince needing MY bank account to put $13 million into!

With that amount of money I'll be able to make my dick so long I'll be able to wrap it round my neck to keep me warm on cold winter days!

JennyMac said...

your rocket needs fuel? this will crack me up all day.

Miss OverThinker said...

Are you then planning on doing a follow up post and how these pills are making a difference?
Brilliantly funny post.. loved it.

مى said...

Haha that cracked me up!! Spam is annoying. I wish there was a punch button you could use whenever you get spam, like the like button on facebook, only cooler.

Dan said...

Eva- Thanks chum. I enjoyed writing it.

JenJen- Gutter brain.

UG- Florescent blue is certainly wrong my friend. Doctors immediately.

Susan- Spam. The food of Nan's everywhere....

Hope- You should forward them on to your other half and watch his confidence crumble.

Lorenza- I will have to look into that...purely for scientific research.

Long dark hair- You are more than welcome. Hope today is better.

Kim- Remind me never to borrow your scarf.

JM- Me too.

Squiggle- Spam can make you laugh though. The sheer desperation of it all.

Miss Overthinker- The moment I ever start to use them, I will include a before and after photo.

jules said...

Hee hee. Just be careful if anything because too rock hard! Yikes!

William said...

So............did they work?

Linda Medrano said...

Dan, Love it! You are hilarious!