Friday, 4 September 2009

Whats That, Coming Over The Hill?......

Once they reach adulthood, both sets of genders normally has the same questions repeatedly running round their minds on some continuous loop.

For the ladies, its normally Will I find a decent husband? At what age should I start a family? Will I be a better mother than mine ever was for me?

And for the men, it normally consists of How would I survive a zombie apocalypse?

Now both sets of questions are worth some merit, but for me, the men have it slightly edged. I mean, what's the point in having a family if you can't protect them from the hordes of slavering undead?

Ladies, just take a look at your man. Take a long, hard look. I can assure you at one point in his life he has thought about geographical advantage, location security, what blunt tools he normally has to hand, and where to run to when the outbreak occurs. You may think it childish fantasy, but any man worth his own would do anything to protect his loved ones, even if that includes debating if a hammer is more mobile than a golf club for bashing in heads.

He would have thought about different scenarios for different zombies. Your more slower, Romero type zombie? Well, they would be easier to outmanoeuvre, but woe betide you if they manage to outnumber you. Best to go Dawn Of The Dead style, and hole up somewhere with food and shelter. Sit it out. The more faster, 28 Days Later type of zombie (I know, I know, they weren't technically zombies!) would be a bit more of a problem. Those fuckers were fast! And the last time you checked, you weren't. Hint, if your man boobs orbit you like two distressed suns when you run, you might have some problems on the nimble front. The best place for evading them would be to travel by car, or van, to a remote location. Up a mountain, or in the wilderness. Basically where the population is limited. An island would be even better. Zombies by their very nature make poor swimmers. The only thing you would have to worry about is if somebody got turned whilst wearing rubber arm bands. Then they could float to your island. Which would be bad.

Your man would have thought about what to do with the family pets. Do we take Granny with us, or use her as bait? Do we band together with our neighbours, or have we never forgiven them for borrowing that socket wrench and never returning it? If you see your man lying awake at night, just staring at the ceiling. It isn't the everyday worries of life keeping him awake. Its thinking about all of this. And ladies, you should be grateful. You really should. Because the zombie apocalypse will happen one day. And you better hope that you have managed to bag yourself a good man with an even better plan. Because we are all gonna need one.

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