Thursday, 7 January 2010

Its Sexy Time…….

Well I seem to have amassed a few new followers to my little blog in the last few days, something that I am always happy and delighted with. So a big hello and thank you to anyone that has decided to stick around, you are all very welcome here.

You may be wondering if all of the posts I do are as heartfelt and poignant as my last one. In answer to that question, I am now going to write about porn (So that’s a no). It will be a light-hearted look, but may cause offence to some. So if it does, I apologise right now.

Sex is a beautiful thing, a wondrous connection between two human beings that is a combination of attraction, desire, and the simple notion of sharing yourself so intimately that nothing can separate two souls as they join together in one of nature’s most special gifts.

Or if your British, it’s a soul sapping slog that only goes to highlight your many flaws and insecurities, and makes you physically want to flay off your own skin and wear somebody else's so you don’t have to spend another waking moment trapped within the walking carcass that is your own miserable body.  

But on a whole, most people quite like it.

And pornography is an age old offshoot of the notion of getting down and dirty that has been around since the early cavemen first learnt to draw on their cave walls, even if it was only stick women with really big boobies.

I have a confession to make though. Porn and I don’t really get along. Instead of finding it titillating, it only amuses me to dangerous levels. Which I think is just missing the point entirely.

Quite a shock though, I’d imagine? I’m a man. I live on my own. I should have porn spilling out of every nook and cranny of my flat, right?


That's not to say I haven’t partaken in porn, who hasn’t? It just hasn’t invaded my life like most blokes that I know.

I saw my first porn film at the tender age of 12. It was a stonewall classic called Deep Inside Vanessa Del Rio that one of my friends had on video and was passed around our little circle of chums with fevered breath and shifty eyes.

Eventually it was my turn to take the video home. I stuck it in the back of my wardrobe and waited for an opportune time to take it out and watch it. When that day came, and I was alone in my house, I put the video in our player and with shaky hands, pressed play. 

My internal monologue played out something like this.

Yeah I’m gonna see some people have sex. I can’t wait. I’m gonna see some boob and some sex. I like this films theme tune. OK, here's the lady. She's sexy. Yes, she's getting naked! Alright! Boobies! Ohhhhhh, so that's what it looks like. She’s hairy. And here's the man. Now he’s naked. I feel weird. And now they are- OH MY GOD! WHAT ARE THEY DOING? THAT’S HORRENDOUS! I HAVE TO DO THAT? I’M NOT DOING THAT! WHYS HE PUTTING IT IN THERE??? NASTY!!!!!!

Lucky for me, someone had part recorded over the tape with an episode of Knight Rider, which put me out of my shocked misery and made me eject the tape pretty quickly. But I now have the psychological problem of immediately getting an erection and a sense of shame whenever I heard the Knight Rider theme tune. Just thank god that pavlovian response doesn’t happen every time I see David Hasslehoff. That would take some explaining.

As my own world views widened, and my 12 year old self was replaced with an older and semi-adult self, my experience with porn began to change as well. When I began to understand all the “Ins and outs” (snigger), porn films began to take on almost depressingly predicable scenarios in the way they played out.

They would basically centre on the star of the film, a woman who’s “Sexploits” (double snigger) would be the plot of the movie, as she generally shagged her way through a procession of men.

The protagonists would always seem to be cut from the same cloth. The men would be perma tanned slabs of meat, so pumped full of steroids it was amazing that their balls didn’t resemble two frankly startled grapes with a huge swinging dick like an out of control fire hose lassoing around them, and they always had the same befuddled expression on their faces, like they were continuously trying to remember if they had left the gas on at home.

The women quite often seemed more like mannequins than real human beings. Everything nipped and tucked, with fake breasts that seem to defy the natural laws of gravity. And vaginas so hairless and smooth, that every time the man went down to administer oral sex, he would recoil in horror on seeing his own face looming back at him from her reflective nether regions.

So once whatever contrived set up had taken place that would get them in a position to start having sex, you could almost start playing porn bingo as it was almost so predictable as to how it was going to pan out.

Right, she’s blowing him. I got that one. Now he’s going down on her. Tick that one. Now she’s riding him. Yep, that's on my card. Any minute now they will change position. Is it doggy? Nope, it’s the praying mantis. Now it’s doggy. And here comes the cum shot. HOUSE!

It’s basically about as erotic as slapping two cuts of raw steak together.

But the thing that sets my, frankly rather odd, sense of humour off, is the “Dirty talk”.

Sex instantly makes us stupid. It’s unavoidable. Now I don’t know if any of you kinky souls have ever recorded yourselves, but if you have, play it back with just the sound and no image. You sound like an idiot.

Sex takes up so much brain power that what little is left is only our most basic functions, so when we start doing the dirty talk, we sound like we have just had a very powerful frontal lobotomy.

And porn films seem to be under the impression that we like this, so they go all out to give us more of what they think we like. Idiots talking gibberish during sex.

Ohhh yeah, fuck me hard.

Pound me with your hot meat.

You like my wet pussy?

One thing that seems to be repeated often is the fact that the couple can’t quite seem to believe that they are having sex.

We’re doing it.

Yeah, we’re really doing it.

We’re doing it hard baby.

We’re really doing it hard and fast.

It’s like some odd form of philosophical debate amongst morons. If two idiots fuck in an office, are they really there? If the woman really wanted to freak the man out, during mid thrust, she could grab him by the ears, look him deep in the eyes and say, “But are we really doing it?” causing the man to suddenly doubt his own existence, which in turn will make him lose his magnificent erection and go in sit in the corner to contemplate who exactly he really is.

One of the most soul destroying pieces of dirty talk I have heard in a porn film was this little beauty.

“Stick your big fat cock in my meathole.”

Now let me break that down for you.

Stick. Your big fat cock. In my meathole.

I don’t think in all of the history of the written literature has there ever been a more awful collection of words placed in one sentence. That one statement has basically reduced something that is beautiful, life affirming, sensual, and just generally amazing, and turned into donkey shit. Plus it has also shown porn up for what it really is: just two rapidly decaying sacks of flesh, pointlessly and joylessly grinding away at each other in a pathetic attempt to stave off the rapidly approaching spectre of death lurking menacingly on the horizon.

Well I’m horny now, how about you?

With the explosion of home internet use within the last 15 years, all the porn you want can be beamed directly into your homes at the click of a mouse button. You want to see someone with no hands trying to fuck a chicken? (and let’s face it, who wouldn’t?), have a little search around and I’m sure you will find it somewhere.

Websites like youporn, spankwire, redtube, all provide a never ending stream of folk doing the wild thing for you to consume at your pleasure.

And yet these sites don’t really appeal to me either. Unlike porn films, these sites cut out the story and just show endless clips of people getting down to it. But whenever I have watched anything on there, being the stickler for narrative that I am, rather than get turned on, I just seem to be asking myself loads of questions.

Whose kitchen are they in?

Is that the baddie?

Why is he dressed like a pirate?

So instead of getting my juices going, all I end up doing is desperately trying to fill in a back story for something I’m not really interested in anyway.  

I’m sticking to my imagination in future. In that I am always amazing, have endless stamina, and I never cry halfway through.

Which is always a bonus.


JenJen said...

That's a JenJen word for:

*clears throat*

I might have to 'scuse mah-self. I have some, er...research to do. Online.

Meathole. Awesome. Good girls (like me....) never utter such shit.

jules said...

Porn kind of amuses me too. Once a friend of mine, (and roommate at the time) spent a whole evening on the couch watching porn after we requested her boy bring us Paris Hiltons video. There was a lot of giggling but no, none of it was a turn on.

f8hasit said...

That was perhaps your most brillant post to date.

Thank you for the giggle that will now last with me for days. I'm glad that I'm not the only one that finds porn not so 'Hot'.

Now you on the other hand...

Hey, did you read that the illicite dating site in Britin gained 3,000 new members because they were snowed in? Yup. Read it on Yahoo. It's gotta be true. Headline is, and I quote, "Snowed in Brits boost adultery website"

Put that in the Meathole.

Anonymous said...

Quite frankly I never understand quite why they bother having a "plot" in those movies. It's kind of absurd. And they're never really ambiently lit or anything. I guess ambience would mean mood lighting and mood lighting would get in the way of gratuitous close-up of salami pounding vagina shot.

Um...I've heard. It's not like I'd ever watch one. Uh, what's that over there!

Tony Spunk said...

You know, as a dude, I'm all about the ladies and their various lower body parts, but porn is like a cheeseburger. It satisfies a temporary hunger but it's hardly gourmet cooking.

I actually got busy in my car with a lady once who thought she was supposed to behave like the girls in porno. She was all breathy and flipping her hair around and yelling things like "Oh yeah, right there, fill me up big boy!" then ended with a giant shriek and "SHIT!". I was all pleased with my achievement until I realized she'd just banged her head on the ceiling.

aladdinsane12 said...

this is the first time i've read your blog and i'm officially hooked.

you had me at "meathole."

Millions Of Atoms Man said...

One of the funniest parts of porn to me, among many humorous parts you pointed out so expertly, is the anger level of some of the participants. Many times, you'll see one, or both (or all ten, depending on how much you paid) participants ferally growling at each other and looking genuinely put out by the proceedings.

When I get to that level of anger, where I'm growling and foaming at the mouth, it usually has something to do with driving on Sundays. Not nudity. Maybe that's just me...

Yankee Girl said...

Good Lordess. I loved "reflective nether regions." I am laughing out loud at work and just had to show everyone here what was so funny.

I'll definitely have to come back for more!

Nikonda said...

I have to confess that I've never seen a porn film. I'd heard they were big on action but short on plot, and was assured I wasn't missing anything.

Someone once said that the largest erogenous zone is the mind, and I think this is pretty true. Good sex isn't only about bodies (although I appreciate they're kind of essential!)

(.. no hands ?? .. chicken .. ???)

Eva Gallant said...

I have to admit, one of the first porn films I ever saw was "Behind the Green Door," and that did turn me on...but then maybe I got jaded or bored, because I quickly lost interest and found most porn to either comical or disgusting, so I haven't watched any in years.

Susan at Stony River said...


But congratulations on all the hits you're going to get to your blog, with a collection of words like this. I'm still fighting off a daily barrage of spam comments on my post about West Virginia's "Mystery Hole", and that was six months ago.


Lopez said...



so anyway...I've made myself a new dream in visit the place i want to go more than anywhere else in the world: London. are so lucky to live there...and have that accent. I've asked my father for a passport for my 30th birthday (just one less expense for me)... and now i am starting to fill my London Piggybank. :o)

Yep...that's your lopez interesting fact for today!!

Kim Ayres said...

I learned everything I knew about sex from porn films - in fact, someone kindly compiled a list of the sum of my knowledge here:

What pornos would have us believe

@eloh said...

I feel like I need to wash my hands after reading this post....

maybe just hand.

Stephen said...

Well, I don't own any porn, but I do watch a bit of gay porn on the internet. For the 1st 3 minutes, I am VERY engaged & improbably horny... then it is just in & out, pink pink pink, in & out, pink pink pink! I loose interest fast.
Now written porn...

UberGrumpy said...

You look at their faces?

You're a sick man, Dan, sick.

Anonymous said...

so am i alone in finding porn sexy?

good porn anyway


Anonymous said...

First time reader, bookmarking you.

JennyMac said...

I saw a porn once..and apparently, the plot line was far too simple and painful to watch which shows I missed the entire point of the movie from the get go which as we all know, is NOT the plot.

Mr. Condescending said...

I'm not into porn much at all, seriously! Glad to know I'm not alone either.

hope said...

You should've added a poll to this one...I think the majority would've voted with you. I would.

Then again, the whole "Birds & the Bees" story in our house came up due to a 6 yr. old sister and a soap opera. Sis turned to Mom and said, "How can Rachel have Steve's baby when she's married to Russ?" I pretended, at a worldly age 8, not to listen with my suddenly bionic ears. And I will never forget Sis' reply, "You mean the thing he pees with?!"

Sorta sums up porn. :)

Doctor FTSE said...

LondonGeekGirl, a question. What on earth is "good" porn? Porn is like frames of snooker or sets of tennis on telly. Interesting at first, sometimes quite cleverly executed, but basically . . . always the same or nearly the same, repetitive and above all mind crushingly boring. But the post . . . Dan . . . the post is just PURE DEAD BRRRRILLIANT!

aladdinsane12 said...

thanks so much for the nice comment and becoming my follower! i think i'm just going to start off as general ramblings, but we'll see where this blog thing takes me!

Kitty Moore said...

You are amazing Dan - in an non-sexual sense as I have no experience of you in the sexual sense, not that I should or that I wouldn't want to - shit, it all sounds wrong - so back to the original point I was trying to make - You are amazing because you had me nodding in agreement and laughing out loud throughout this post. Then I read it again, just to appreciate quite how clever you are in the way you articulate.

Kitty x

Dan said...

JenJen- I've spoken to a lot of my friends whose Facebook I have posted this on. Apparently they can't get the word "Meathole” out of their heads. My work here is done.

Jules- I couldn't think of a worse night to spend. Other than actually physically being with Paris Hilton herself. Shudder.

f8hasit- I'm glad you liked the post. Was worried it was too rude.....

The Veggie Ninja- "Salami pounding vagina shot"? Man, I've been going to the wrong websites.

Tony Spunk- I bet your manliness suddenly took a beating. It’s a good job I can't drive.

aladdinsane12- It’s good to have you here my Bowie loving new chum. And I believe that was the line from Jerry Maguire that Tom Cruise vetoed.

MOAM- Totally! They always seem really furious at each other. It can get quite scary at some points.

Yankke Girl- Another newbie! Welcome, really good to have you here and I'm glad you liked the piece.

Nikonda- Now this is just wrong. You are mother of Matthew, bringer of words. I can't have you reading some smutty post about porn, I'm so sorry. I will be cleaner next time. And the chicken thing? Erm.... If you have no hands, how would you catch it and hold it? It just looked amusing in my head, that’s all.

Eva- Behind the green door? Not heard of that one, is that a classic, like "Deep Throat"?

Susan- That was all part of my plan. Lure the pervs in with some kinky words, and then hook them with my amazing writing........

Lopez- London is a cool place. Lots of porn as well.

Kim- I never saw that before, checked it out and can wholeheartedly agree on every single point. Hilarious! (Is that still a no on the midget porn?)

Stephen- Gay porn, is it as crap as straight porn? Same terrible plotlines and situations?

UG- I'm a gentleman.

Londongeekgirl- Some probably do find it a turn on, I just have a very warped sense of humour.

ninekindsofcrazy- Thank you for doing so. I hope to see you around some more?

JM- It’s all about the hot, steamy action, which is always stupid and funny (to me)

Mr Condescending- I feel you my brother.

hope- You are too much of a lady to like porn, I know that much about you. Plus you probably have the same sense of humour as me and would just start to pick holes in it.

Doc- Thanks buddy. Means a lot to hear that.

aladdinsane12- Well, I for one am looking forward to reading more, and if anyone else is reading this, pop on over and say Hi, and then join up as well.

Kitty- That is very kind of you to say so matey. Was worried it might be too much, but thankfully it went down (no pun intended0 in the nature it was meant too.

Ellie said...

See, guy+erection = no conversation = DEALBREAKER.
If you only have enough brain cells to think about your right hand and your buddy, I don't want to meet either of you.

That Gal Kiki said...

Different strokes.... (pun intended)

WhisperingWriter said...

I tried to watch porn with my husband and he said I ruined it when I kept going, "I wonder what the girl's parents think. Do they admit what their daughter does for a living freely? Or do they tell their friends that their daughter is in the entertainment industry and quickly change the subject?"

Anonymous said...

It's still fun to watch, although nothing could ever be new...


Dan said...

@eloh- Sorry bud, missed your comment out. And what a filthy comment it was.....

Ellie- I'm confused by this comment. Was it an insult, or just commenting on porn and men in general?

That Gal Kiki- Snigger.

WW- I could see that being a massive turn off. You overanalyze like me.

Secretia- I know its horses for courses. Some folk really like it; others have the same reaction as me.

Nikonda said...


If you're going to get cleaner next time I'm going to have to bale out. Not keen on smut but OK with filth :)

Susan O said...

Again, giggles and smirks from that read.

I should be working.

That was a good one.


Susan O