Wednesday, 13 January 2010

And Introducing.......

A few days ago, one of my lovely blogger chums emailed me with a rather excellent idea. That blogger chum was Matthew, and he suggested that I partake in a blog swap. I post on another's blog, whilst that person blogs on mine. That sounded interesting to my tiny little ears.

The deal was struck for me though when he suggested the person I swap with, the lovely JenJen. Now many of you on here will know of JenJen, but many of you may not as well. So I urge you that once you have finished reading her excellent contribution, hop on over to her blog and hammer that follow button hard, for you will be joining up in a holy union to one of the best kept secrets out in the land called blog. Always hilarious, yet able to combine the amusing with the serious, you will certainly not be disappointed for doing so. She always keeps a welcoming and friendly place over there, and you will soon become one of her many frogs. Which in its own right, is reason enough for doing so.

So for today only, I'm lurking over there, and JenJen is kindly posting over here. And I know everyone will make her feel royally welcome.

Anyway, enough of my chit chat. It is my pleasure to introduce to you………………..

Erect Stingers Suck When You’re Prissy.
I want to open by saying I am not the outdoorsy type. At all.

You could say I'm more of a girl who likes her creature comforts: crisp linens atop a down covered mattress, lots of pillows, carpet under my pedicured toes and a glass of water beside my head on my nightstand. I don't own boots for anything other than show. My coat is from Victoria's Secret (one in pink and one in black) and is decidedly not for lingering out-of-doors. I have a white hat and white gloves for when it's cold in the garage.

Damn I sound prissy. Well, here's more to add to that bucket:

So probably not a giant shocker that I despise camping; I think God (or Mr. Hilton) made hotels so I wouldn't have to sleep... outside.


Friends have invited us to go  to hell camping with them, and at first I was gracious and declined using busy words like, "oh, w-e-l-l  we don't have any...sleeping bags" or "oh hell darnit, we're already out of town that weekend, drat!" Hoping, of course, they didn't see the fear and loathing behind my batting baby blues and angelic smile.

After a while they gave up but ended with this gem: "You know, JenJen, you're depriving your children of the experience of camping!"

For real.

Deprivation by Lack of Camping.

News at 11.

You can't win this argument with me. I will not camp or step foot in a tent. I tried it one time years ago, and I was not loving the outdoor shower and considerable lack of plumbing equipment. I didn't particularly care for the mosquitoes, the smelly bug spray or the less-than-comfy beds, either. Okay, the outdoor shower would have been sensual and sexy had it been at a fab Caribbean resort and not at the KOA in the middle of NowhereNearTropical, Michigan and swarming with unsupervised children and bees.

Oh god, the bees.

I used to have a FREAK OUT reaction to any black and yellow striped flying bug with a stinger on it's butt. I would run and scream like a girl (k, because I am a girl) when one of those effers would even flirt with my bubble. I heard that bees don't like the water, so run into the ocean pond when one comes near you, butt stinger erect.

Turns out that is not true.

A falsehood, as it were.

They will follow your ass into that water and buzz around you until you cry and gallop out of the water, knees high (have you ever tried to run in the water? You can't. It's called galloping. Google that.). I galloped right out of the water, across the sand and into the car and shut it up tight. That little overgrown gnat laughed at me and wiggled it's stinger tush at me.

Then my son was stung at the playground down the street from my house. Minding his own business.
And I waged holy chemical warfare on those assholes. I got all "mama bear" and started thrashing about with a can of RAID, giant shoes (for the stomping once they fell to their deaths, just to be sure they were goners), and screaming GET OUT OF HERE. SAVE YOUR SEEELLLLFFFF!

I'm cured of the bees.

Bring it and your stinger asses...I dare ya.


I won't be using these boots to stomp them, no. These boots....they're for show.


secret agent woman said...

Bees usually aren't that aggressive. Are you sure it wasn't a yellow jacket (which is actually a wasp)? But either way, I have to agree about camping. My limit is a cabin in a state park.

Mr. Condescending said...

I just read your post dan, and I thought I was awake. My morning vision is still hazy and your introduction to JenJen read like a porn to me. "Hammer that follow button hard," and I swear your "chit chat" looked like "clit chat."

Eva Gallant said...

I used to love camping (in parks with showers and flush toilets) but my husband hates it, so I've only been once with adult sons in the past 26 years. Now that I can't sleep through the night without getting up to pee, I don't care to go anymore. But I went often before I married Hubby. The kids loved it and still go now with their kids!

mo.stoneskin said...

Mr C makes me laugh.

Those boots are great, worth sacrificing creature comforts for them my friend Dan.

Dan, aren't those boots a bit to feminine oh wait this is Jen...

Creature comforts include pedicures? Ugh.

Saskia said...

Hey JenJen,

I'm totally with you on this...

My one and only experience camping involved me having to wear the entire bag of clothes I'd brought for the whole week, all at once every night to sleep... it was that cold!

Love your show boots... I have sitting shoes - shoes just for sitting in... no walking allowed / possible ha!


Millions Of Atoms Man said...

I just hammered my follow button too hard, I think I need a doctor. Stat.

I hate bees with every fiber of my being. I was secretly happy when I heard they were mysteriously disappearing this past summer. But then I thought "They are massing somewhere in preparation for the big war."

I am paranoid.

UberGrumpy said...

Ho ho

It was a bit weird to read Dan's post and then see yours entitled 'Erect stingers suck when you're prissy',. I thought it was another of Dan's e-mails...

UberGrumpy said...

P.S. Oi! I went to a lot of trouble publishing a saucy picture of me in my running gear and you didn't even visit!

That's the last time I undress for another man

JenJen said...

The best part of this post is Dan's pornographic intro of me and how I ended with my saucy boots....


I don't growl.

Gregorio Martino said...

I still love those boots. They weren't made for walking though unless it is over to the bed. :)

Nikonda said...

We took our kids camping when they were little. I drew the line when I found the dog's head almost on my pillow, blissfully snoring away in unison with my (then) husband. No more - man has evolved off his knees (it was a small tent) and so have I.
Nice post, JenJen.

That Gal Kiki said...

to hell -- camping. Perfect. ;)

staceyjwarner said...

Hey JenJen,

I love to camp, but you are still sisters, ;)

The title to the piece should win a prize! EXCELLENT wit there my friend.

much love

JennyMac said...

What a saucy post right down to those vixenish boots.

The title of your post alone JenJen made me laugh out loud. One has to read carefully or it sounds much dirtier than it is. LOL.

P.T said...

I'll definitely follow JenJen now! Like her writing style! :)

I hate bees too! And flies, mosquitoes, wasps, roaches, ants etc...ewwwghhh..

Since I've moved to the Caribbean, my once-clean legs became spotty legs...:(

Alice in Wonderland said...

I hate camping! Why on earth would anyone want to willing go and sleep out-doors when they have a perfectly suitable, comfy bed at home?
I, too , haste all these things that fly around! That includes flies, wasps, bees, and all the other pesky little things that either sting or suck your blood and make you itch!
Now I'm off to check out and see what Dan is up to!
Love your boots!

aladdinsane12 said...

ha, awesome. a friend of mine once took a sip of pop from a can and a bee crawled out of the can and into his mouth! i would have nightmares for years if that happened to me!

jules said...

Camping slash "roughing it" is NOT my idea of fun either. I need cold, crisp white sheets for sleeping. You just stand your ground and don't feel badly for not enjoying camping. It's gross!

Caffeinated Bliss said...

LOL, love Jen's blog and so glad I found yours! If you're interested in a link exchange let me know. I'm adding you to my blog roll anyway. :)

William Dunigan said...

Greetings to one and all: In that most precious name. That name which is above every name, the name: "Jesus"

There's tremendous power in that name. I'd suppose we'll never fully realize all that can truly be accomplished, by us simply calling out that name in true faith.

There's an old, old, gospel song that goes like this: Faith in the Father, faith in the Son, faith in the Holy Spirit, great victories are won. Demons will tremble and sinners will awake, faith in Jehovah will anything shake.

For you who have never come into this realization, if you're reading this, just give him a welcome into your heart and life. You will both feel and see an awesome difference. You will have also purchased the ticket to heaven (by accepting, therefore making him welcome to come into your life. You will also sup from His cup that contains living water. (As did the woman at the well of Bethesda.) John 4:10

Much love,

Your brother in Christ Jesus, who is both our Lord, and Savior.

Kate said...

Hey JenJen love the boots and I agree on the camping! Am off to visit Jen's blog now.

Kate xx