Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Tick Tock……………

I’m bloody annoyed at the moment.

In fact I’m so annoyed right now that I’m not in fact typing this with my hands, but instead I’m headbutting each key and saying slanderous things about each of their mothers with each slam of my forehead (which means its taken me ages to write these last few sentences, and has given me an awful headache as well).

Why am I annoyed, you’re not asking?

Well, I’m off work today.

Why are you off work today, you’re also not asking?

Well, I’m off work because……oh this is so hard to say…….I’m off work because…… I’ve done my back in.

Quick, somebody throw a blanket round me and stick me in an old peoples home.

I don’t know what's wrong with it. I woke up on Sunday and it was tight. Come Monday it was on fire, and when I woke up this morning I couldn’t move. After doing some medical exploring with my fingers (mmmmmmmn, filthy) it seems as if I have a small lump at the base of my spine that hurts to touch. 

Now this could mean either one of three things.

1) I have pulled something and its really swollen.

2) I have a real deep spot and its in the most awkward of places.

3) I’m starting to grow a tail.

Now naturally out of those three things, its the tail one I’m hoping for. How cool would that be? I could use it to fan myself if hot. If I’m ever giving directions I could use my tail to point the way instead of my finger. And it would be a brilliant aid to gauge what mood I’m in ( Swishing around: Angry. Hanging between my legs: Scared. Pointing up in the air while the end makes a “Come here” motion: Horny), the possibilities are endless. Tails are cool.

But nevertheless, my back is in tatters and its resulted in me hobbling round like a geriatric who has just soiled himself. This isn’t right. I’m 32. not 82. The fact that I have just rung in sick due to a bad back was something I was hoping to avoid for, say, oh I don’t know, another 15 years?

Is this it? Does this mean that I’ve reached the summit and the only way to go now is down? I mean, I’m half deaf as it is, and I’m borderline incontinent anyway, so what other delights are coming my way? Will I start to grow hair from my ears? Will II start to buy jeans with elasticated waistbands? Will I take up line dancing? I’m nothing more than the rotting carcass of the man I used to be.

Growing older never really used to bother me. OK, I’ll admit that the passing of another 12 months and a move up on my age bracket did sometimes play on my mind a little. But in my head I’m still the same idiotic bell end I’ve always been, but now as I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I find that its been transported into the body of a slightly stupid looking adult, one who constantly wears the bemused expression of someone who is desperately trying to remember where he has left his keys.

When did this happen? And more importantly, how can I stop it?

How will I feel when I start getting my first grey hairs? What if its in my pubic hair? My only option will be to shave them all off. So then I’ll be a man in his 30’s with the genitalia of a toddler. That can’t be right? (though I would imagine it to be very bracing). Can you dye your pubic hair? What if I try and dye it and it goes wrong and I end up with green pubic hair? I’ll look like I’ve gone mouldy. This is a pubic nightmare. I need to do more research.

Maybe worrying about your age happens at all stages of your life? When I was in my teens, thinking of being 25 seemed ancient to me. Now that I’m in my 30’s, the thought of hitting 40 is terrifying. Most likely when I’m in my 40’s, I’ll look back at my young and care free 30’s with a wry smile. I’m never happy, me.

The only plus point I can see about getting older is that I will now have an excuse for being rude and not caring what I say, where as now I have none.

I know they say that you should enjoy your life, no matter what your age is. But how can I enjoy it with a bad back, non-functioning ears, and the future onset of pubic Armageddon?


DBs said...

Nice relevant post there Danny boy - hilarious as per usual.

The last few weeks my right shoulder has been giving me grief, I'm prone to nasty twinges of pain if I turn to look over it too quickly. I was only 32 a few weeks ago.

Even better, a mate of mine FELL IN THE SHOWER the other week. He's 32 as well.

The hair in wrong places is unfortunately already happening to me, being part Filthy Arab (meant in a jovial way before anyone reports me to the Racial Hatred police) and believe me it's not nice. I feel like a right girl with my little scissors and tweezers....sigh.

(This is Danny B, by the way - you know the crazy one on the telly the other night?)

Jean said...

Fear not, you can dye your pubic hair! http://www.bettybeauty.com/manscaping.php

I bet you didnt actually think this stuff existed did you?

Kimberly said...

Hehe! I have a tail, too. Tail-havers of the world unite!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Aw honey. Firstly, to ME you're a baby as every year everyone a year or more younger than I am is suddenly a tiny infirm baby. Secondly, POOR BACK! That'll teach you to work through the Kama Sutra in one night. Thirdly, merkins. That is all. Feel better champ!

Eva Gallant said...

The end is near.......obviously!

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

uh oh! hope your back feels better soon...but if you grew a tail, I will be totally jealous!

hope said...

I'll skip the lecture part [you're welcome] because I'm older than you but my parts still work. Well, if you don't count the drippy nose, sinus thingy. I have about 6 grey hairs but they're thicker than the rest of my baby fine ones so I'll encourage the grey to remain...and bring friends. This drive's my mother [she who is too young to have a kid my age] completely crazy.

Seriously though...sorry about your back. Hubby has back problems and a knee issue. Could you have a slipped disc? His friend with back problems once said, "I can lift 250 pounds, no problem. Bend over the sink to brush my teeth, back goes out!"

I suggested he brush his teeth in the shower. I think he might have hit me if he weren't a little grateful.

Feel better soon. Otherwise, I'll be wondering if that monkey thing is taking over you. ;)

KittyCat said...

Bad back and stuck at home, that must totally suck ass.
SO sorry to hear.


Long dark hair, blue eyes said...

OMG Dan, I am turning 32 this year. Thank you for preparing me for what is in store...

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