Saturday, 15 January 2011

I’m Your Whore……….

*Warning: This blog post does contain some aspects of self psychological prognosis. Its pretty stirring stuff so I would advise sitting down and strapping yourself in whilst reading. Things could get bumpy*

During my brief hiatus from blogging (if you can call a month brief, it was more like a weekend city break away really), I was idly reading through some previous posts trying desperately to come up with something vaguely interesting to write about that didn’t involve some form of warm, wet bodily function, when I suddenly had a rather disturbing notion fly from the screen and hit me straight in my mindscape, whirl around for a bit, and then settle in my stomach like a big fat worry baby. You see it suddenly occurred to me that for the last year I have been laying out my bare psyche over the internet for literally anyone to come along and have a good old rummage round.

Now for most people this probably would really amount to much. Maybe a pair of raised eyebrows and a shrug and then nothing more would be thought of it.  But for a normally intensely private person such as myself, it really does seem like a strange activity to have been involved with. In person I can be guaranteed to give nothing away,  something that has been commented on frequently as I am often referred to as a closed book, and yet on here I have been offering up massive slices of my experiences and thoughts with almost blatant disregard for any kind of self censorship. I have even written about when I pooed myself in the middle of London, miles away from home and with an almost uncontrollable urge to suddenly commit suicide, which is a strange thing to offer up to a complete stranger and isn’t normally something I bring to the table when I first meet someone. I at least normally wait a day or two before giving that one up.

So something's not quite right here.

When I first started this blog my main intention was to just write about things that were happening in the world in a wry and insightful manner, just to get me into the habit of writing on a weekly basis. I wasn’t going to be someone who would regularly write about themselves, as in my opinion that would be about as interesting as listening to someone go into minute detail about a really wacky dream they had the other night and how they soooooo had to tell me about it. But I soon realised that my attempts at commenting on the big wide world were as insightful as a blind man who was required to do something that involved…..er….sight, so I found myself writing things that were a little closer to home. I began writing about me, like the big self obsessed freak that I am.

And yet you came, didn’t you? You came, and you commented, and you joined up, and I became drunk with the power of it all. I wasn’t just writing blog posts anymore, I was standing on top of a mountain, arms stretch wide as you, my children, my flock, came from miles around, from different lands and cultures, to gaze in wonder at me, to swim in my words, my rapture. You had come to see me, what I was doing, what I was feeling and thinking, it was all about me, wasn’t it?

Wasn’t it?

Regardless of what it was, you’re here and it rocks, take my hand and everything will be okay, we can do this, you and I, we can do this together. But as a rather unfortunate side effect, in order to fill these pages I have had to plumb my very depths and offer up stuff that I may not normally do in person. Some of it may be obvious if you knew me, other bits you may not have known about even if you had gone into my subconscious armed with a map, a torch, and all-over protective clothing. And yet I’ve just given it all to you on a plate, haven’t I? I’ve whored myself out to you with no form of self-regard whatsoever. I feel so cheap.

And yet for myself, rereading over the things that I have written, it paints a pretty disturbing picture. I’m not right up there, am I?

Lets break it down, just for old times sake.

1) People Person.

I don’t like people. Obviously I like you, you’re great. We’ve always gotten along, me and you, ever since we first met really. I think it was your smile that did it. But its all the others, those with their haircuts and skinny jeans and stupid opinions and inability to navigate anywhere without getting in my way, its them that do my nut in.

2) Sentimental.

Despite the cynical outlook there also seems to be a sentimental streak in the things that I have written that is a mile wide, which therefore must be in me. Most people think that the pained expression on my face is when my Irritable Bowel Syndrome is really bad, its not, its just these two conflicting emotions battling themselves out in me to finally claim my body. I’ll either end up alone in a gutter, drinking myself to death with whisky in a brown paper bag, or end up a pipe smoking hippy who just wants to hug everyone and talk about “feelings”. I am unsure if I like either to be honest.

3) Whore.

I just want to be loved. I just want to you come along and smile at something I have written, tell me that you like me, and then never leave my side. That's all I want. Is that to much to ask?

4) Over Analytical.

This blog post is a prime example.

5) Self Indulgent.

See above.

6) Odd.

I have some odd hang ups, don’t I? Ranging from OCD through to odd phobias. Its amazing that I can actually leave my home without crumbling into a massive pile of quivering jelly, shitting myself and mumbling about germs.

 

So I’ve just literally splashed all of the above over the internet like an elephant with explosive diarrhea. Well, not anymore. I’m keeping all this crazy stuff in from now on. This blog is now going to undergo a transformation into a political one where we can all debate political philosophies and how they relate to society and each class as a whole.

There will still be poo jokes though.

So, to start us off, a question for us to discuss:

Should ties among individuals composing a group form a bond that takes precedence over the needs and wishes of the individual members of the group?

Please feel free to leave your thoughts and opinions on the above question.

I look forward to the cut and thrust of intelligent discussion that the new direction of this blog will no doubt bring to us, rather than the puerile and infantile stuff I was writing before. I look forward to taking your hands as we all head out into a bright new dawn. It may seem scary at first, but you will like it, I promise you that you will.

And you will always have me there to stroke your hair.

Wearing gloves, obviously.

Germs.

Germs everywhere.

11 comments:

hope said...

Oh Dan, my world would be boring and bland without you and your...ways. :)

There is something seductive about writing what you REALLY think, knowing that people can take it or leave it but you leave with your pride intact, your nose not bloodied and the ability to write off those who don't get it as "the odd ones".

I'm very private in person. I'm the one who asks a question, then will listen until the speaker needs another prompt to continue. In Blog World I "say" more...because no one can interrupt me to tell me about that truly weird dream they had last night.

We love you the way you are...don't change a thing....although I do wonder if you'll have to wear protective gear when you finally get to hug a monkey. ;)

Just don't lose your sense of humor, because only then will you lose me. Now be sure to take my hand: I'm so damn short it's easy to get lost in this crowd of admirers you've gathered.

Eva Gallant said...

You say you want intelligent discussion; I came unequipped!

ladytruth said...

Ah jeez, just saying the word 'politics' brings forth an uncontrollable urge to barf. I like self-indulgent, odd, phobia-frenzy Dan, I mean, who doesn't like it when you speak about pooh? But since you're not letting go of my hand anyway, I will stick around and "head out into a bright new dawn." Can we do the whole dawn-thing here though since I'm no keen on freezing my bum off with the whole snow-issue you guys are having over there? :)

Penny Lane said...

Well hello there,

I really enjoy reading you exploit yourself all over the interwebs, I mean really what are they for if not that ( and porn)?

As for people, I don't like them either. I mean they just annoy me a lot most of the time, you have to be a superb type of human in order for me to consider acknowledging you.

I think groups should not exist. And if there is a group, well members should only be part of it, and it will work best if everyone is taken into account and the group fits each member. If not what is the point?

CAM said...

I've put a post up in response on my blog (which I will not link here as that is crass self-publicity).

And no - groups should not take precedence over the individual imho. Although I'm sure Hitler would disagree :)

Pseudonymph said...

And Dan, I followed Cam's link, because all Sandies must stick together, and I have meandered over on occasion, from her place. Individuals rule. Only exception: sheep. Just a point though, us 'OCDs' as you mention would really prefer to be CDOs, as that goes in alphabetical order, and all is right with the world.
Just saying...
Keep posting. Sometimes I reread my stuff. It's therapeutic looking back how I felt as a certain stage, kids striking out their independent lives, husband's mid life crisis. I blog for me, my readers are a bonus.

Julie Buz. said...

Ah! I've finally found you! (Via CAM's blog.) :o)

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Fay's Too said...

Hmmm, yep, I've been feeling rather self-consumed and whorish myself regarding blogs. But you. . . YOU. . . show me that I'm a mere novice. I'm not nearly as big a whore a you. You are my role model.

Sharon McPherson said...

Hey I'm here rocking with you! That was pretty funny ... for an English guy. :)

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