Feels Like Heaven.......

Many thanks to the lovely Cat for giving me the idea of my next post as I was struggling a little bit. But it totally makes natural sense to write about Heaven soon after a post about death.

So here it is.

I am not a religious person by any stretch (cue mass gasps of surprise and the sound of millions of people hitting the floor in what can only be describe as catatonic shock). So the very notion of a heaven and a hell is an amusing one to me.

We silly little human beings are obsessed by ourselves, we really are. Our entire lives revolve around our own being as we feel we are the centre of each of our own universes and nothing in the world will ever change that. So the very idea that when we, the lords of all creation, die, well, that's it folks, shows over chums, turn off the lights, feed the cat for me when I’m gone, etc, etc. Well it totally freaks our minds out because it kinda confirms that we aren’t really that significant and the world will in fact keep on turning after we pop our clogs.

You mean to say that when I die in 60 odd years, that's it? That's not fair! I’m too important!!!! Surely there must be a way round this?

And there is my scared and worried little friend. There is a way in which we can prolong your magnificence and make you feel as if there is an actual point to the massive accident that was all of your atoms colliding and forming the slightly odd looking humanoid with the vacant look plastered all over its stupid face. We will invent religion, and in turn, heaven and hell, and make you believe that your wondrous existence will carry on for the rest of all eternity if it means that we can control you all by brainwashing you into believing in this new thing called “religion.” 

Sounds interesting, I’m listening. What do I have to do?

It’s simple my friendly, all you have to do is follow this list of rules, easy things like don’t make sexy eyes at your neighbours wife, even if she is a hottie, don’t steal…..er….cows and stuff, don’t suddenly find another God, even if he is offering a free X-Box if you join up, don’t kill anyone, no matter how annoying they are, and there is some other stuff that I will throw in later, but you get the general picture, right? Do all this and we will make it worth your time, you will get in to-quickly Barry, crank up the celestial angels CD-heaven. Fail to do this and you will end up in-Barry, the Mariah Carey CD!-hell. And you don’t want that to happen.

And if I do all this I go to Heaven? What will happen after I die then? Do I become a star in the sky or something? Is that heaven?

What? No. That would be ridiculous. No you will go upstairs into a magical land of unicorns and free ice cream.

Really?

Possibly, I’m kinda making this up as I go along. There are a few things that need ironing out but it’s gonna be really good. Seriously, well worth the hundreds of years of slaughter and general heartache that is going to come once your tiny little pea brains fully grasp what crap we are spoon feeding you.

Unicorns? I’m in! What's a unicorn?

It’s a mythical made up being very much like our new God-SNIP! (Better stop there before I get some fundamental Christians hunting me down via my IP address).

So, that's my view on religion and heaven. I thought I would water it down a little. Wouldn’t want to be controversial or anything.

But a part of me does like this idea in a really perverse way though. It’s a bit like an exasperated mother dangling the promise of sweeties to her screaming child as it screams its head off in the local supermarket. Please be good and you will get this yummy treat. I mean, who wouldn't want to live a better life if it meant our shining stars could burn that little bit brighter for that little bit longer. Shame that we have to be tricked in to doing it, it’s not like any of us might actually want to live a good life off our own backs, is it?

The whole idea of the clouds and the harp playing and the general smugness of heaven does kind of depress me a little. The traditional notion of the celestial plane being like an Ikea catalogue, with everyone sitting around in white rooms just laughing their tits off at all the heathens in hell below, just sounds like a dinner party that I really would want to try and avoid.

Here my alternatives:

The “Gemma Arterton” Heaven.
Quite simple this. When I die, every single cloud up in heaven will have Gemma Arterton sitting on it, each one representing the things that I would like to do.
(On one cloud)
Gemma: Hi Dan, I can’t decide what underwear to put on today, can you help?
Me: I can spare a few moments.
(On another cloud)
Gemma: Hi Dan, would you like to play some Call Of Duty?
Me: Do I!
(On another)
Gemma- Hi Dan, would you like to watch me and all the other Gemma’s have a pillow fight?
Me: Yes, yes I would actually.
PRAISE BE TO JESUS!

The “Do What You Want Heaven”
Human existence is one of guilt. Every single day we are told not to do this, not to do that, don't eat this, don't drink that, and don’t smoke this, basically because everything that is pleasurable in this world is in fact bad for you. So wouldn’t it be nice if heaven took away all of these boundaries and you could just live the way you wanted too? As long as you weren’t hurting anyone else what is the problem in shooting up heroin whilst face first in a six foot pizza while a midget shoves vibrating dildos up your bumhole? (This is, of course, just an example, not my own personal heaven. Ahem).

The “Be Surrounded By Everyone You Love” Heaven
This would actually be mine.

And what about hell?

The “Relive Every Single Fucking Mistake You Have Ever Made Until You Are Trapped Within Your Own Personal Hell” Hell
Every single fuck up, embarrassing faux pas and humiliating thing you have done in your life, played out over and over again for the rest of eternity in front of a laughing and pointing crowd until the only option is to flay your own face off so no one will recognise you and your shame, but this being hell, it always grows back the very next day. Try that one on for size, huh?

The “When You Die You Come Back As Me” Hell.
Terrifying, isn’t it? It’s enough to make anyone want to live a pure and simple life. WELL I’M STILL STUCK IN ME!!!!!!

The “Hell On Earth” Hell
There is a popular theory that none of us actually exist at all and that we are in fact just a conscious stream of thought made up by some cosmic being, and in fact we could all be actively living out some alternative version of hell right here in this very little world. It kind of makes sense considering everything that goes on outside of our windows every day. I have often thought, when confronted by the brain dead mouth breathers that often stand before me with barely enough brain power to motor their own life support systems (i.e. breathing), that I must have done something incredibly evil in a past lifetime to warrant being surrounded by the folk that I am lucky enough to call “my fellow humans.” It’s obvious to me now, people aren’t really people, they are in fact demons in human form, I am in hell, and this is my eternal torment.

Let us pray.