Spam.....

I stupidly made the mistake of looking in the spam inbox of my email yesterday. It was like opening the door to Pandora’s Box, but if Pandora’s Box contained a load of mental people with an almost pathological obsession with the length, shape, and general girth of my penis.

Now I can assure you, at no point have I ever wished for it to be enlarged, lengthened, or generally mucked around with. I will admit to wishing that I had a tiny pair of comedy glasses and fake moustache that I could pop on the end of it, just to really freak out the guy standing in the urinal next to me, but as far as penis alteration goes, that's as far as I am generally willing to take it.

And yet there seems to be people out there who are generally unhappy with the state of my friendly chap at the moment, and are literally begging me to do something about it.

Here are some examples:

These emails are as sent. None have been altered. Remember, never click on any link that is sent to you in crap like this.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________
MORE LENGTH, HARDNESS AND STRENGTH.
I have lost my sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch: FIRE ANDCE
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
*Now as happy as anyone would like to be with more length, hardness and strength, if it makes me lose my sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch, then to be honest, having a super penis will mean nothing to me, as I won’t be able to use it. Or perhaps the person at the receiving end of this giant monstrosity was so shocked, they were rendered with all of the above?  Either way, I am sensing a fatal flaw in their advertising here.*

__________________________________________________________________________

Strains in relationship? Make your queen wet Your rocket needs fuel?
Most effective desire boosters
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
*"Huston, we may have a problem here." I am definitely getting an Apollo 13 vibe from this one. Desire boosters? Rocket fuel? Does that mean I have to strap two little tanks of monomethyl hydrazine to my undercarriage? If so, then I’m out, I’m afraid. And imagine if there was an accident? The Kings of Leon would then be confirmed correct: This sex definitely is on fire. Along with the bed, and most of my apartment*

_______________________________________________________________________________

Satisfy Me, 1ncrease your LittlePenis 2-4 Inches now!
90 Days Guaranteeed. Medically Approved 100% by FDA
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
*I’m quite hurt by this one. This complete stranger has seen fit to mock my love package. That only normally happens with people that have actually met me, not total strangers on the internet. They have totally ruined any chance of me satisfying them now with this slanderous insult. Rude bastard. I'm taking me and my penis away. NO SATISFACTION FOR YOU SUNNY JIM!*

________________________________________________________________________________

Become her brutal banger  Feel the deep pleasure Impulse for long love

Your woman wishes to be boned

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
*Brutal banger? I’m British. We just normally just cry halfway through and then take a shower afterwards as all that intimacy makes us feel dirty. And I have just sent a text to Kates asking her if she wanted to be “boned”. Her reply? “Not right now, I have a headache darling” . SCREW YOU MYSTERY PENIS ENHANCER PERSON! YOU WERE WRONG!!!!!*

_______________________________________________________________________________

It is your time to make love with hellish heat and heaven delight!

Heal your manhood with our cures, so it could please ladies as before!
Want to be a man with lots of stamina for nights? Take this solution!
She will moan as loud in alarm beneath you! Try male goods for affordable prices!
No needed arousal power? Return it today with our goods!
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
*A few things wrong with this one. Hellish heat and heaven delight I suppose I can handle. If it were comfortable heat and angel delight, then that would be better (I am particularly fond of the toffee flavour). The main thing that concerns me is my lady moaning in alarm beneath me. Now that doesn’t sound sexy, that sounds like assault. Either that or you have gone in the wrong entrance by mistake.*

___________________________________________________________________________

1) Are you really HAPPY with yourPenis Size?
 2) PermanentPenis En1argement - En1arge up to 3-4 inches in length in just weeks!
 3) Thicken yourPenis - 1ncrease the girth (width) of yourPenis
 4) Create a BiggerPenisHead - Create a more muscular mushroomed looking PenisHead!
 5) Get More PowerfulErections - Develop 'RockHard' Elrection, each and every time no matter your age!
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
*Let me address all the issues here one by one

1) Yes I am happy with my penis size, thank you for asking.

2) And how are you going to do this? By using a system of weights and pulleys to stretch it across the room? I don’t think so sunshine.

3) See 2.

4) At no point have I ever wanted my penis head to look like a mushroom. That would just look stupid. Do you have any other vegetable shapes? How about a turnip? Can you do that? If you can get it to look like a turnip, we might have a deal.

5) How powerful are we talking here? If I take my trousers off, will I be catapulted out the window? That doesn’t sound like fun. And a rock hard erection? True, it would make a handy thing to hang my keys on at night. But what about the worry that it could take someone's eye out with it? Or knock over lamps and stuff when I walk around my bedroom.  I’m pretty sure you haven’t thought this through?*

All joking aside, I have ordered all of them.

What? You never know?