It’s The End Of The World As We Know It....

Through my many years of life, I feel I have amassed enough information through devouring apocalyptic entertainment in film and book form to make me an expert on surviving any end of the world scenario.

As I care about you all deeply, I am now going to pass this information on to your good selves.

You may wish to print this out and pin it to the front of your refrigerator as a handy “How to guide” in case any of the things I am about to talk about actually happen to you.

*Zombies I have already covered here*

Alien Invasion.

As we all know, any form of alien invasion is solely down to the fact that they wish to anally probe us. This is one topic that sits rather uncomfortably with me as I suffer terribly from irritable bowel syndrome, so believe me when I say; there is no chance that any probe is going up my buttski. I still have nightmares about the last rectal examination I received from my doctor. He had the audacity to chat away with me like it was a normal situation, asking me what I was planning to do that weekend, all the while with his finger up my rear end, probing away for god knows what. I half expected him to pull out the Holy Grail from my back passage and cry out loudly, “After all these years, I have finally found it!”, put on a fedora hat and then exit the surgery hurriedly as a giant boulder crashed through the wall and chased after him.

Now the main form of defence for being abducted by aliens with an unhealthy interest in your poop chute is to get a decent form of education and not live alone in some backwaters shack where your only companion is an overweight cow called Betty, who on the weekends you like to put makeup on and a nice frock and then practice your killer moves on (You’ve shore got a purdy mouth for a cow).

Nearly everybody who has been interviewed after claiming to be abducted by aliens has turned out to be a hick from some town you have never heard of, who looks like the poster boy for why cousins shouldn’t be allowed to marry. And these are the best specimens to study? Or maybe they are the only ones stupid enough to get caught?

If the invasion is purely for world domination, and they start laying waste to all the major cities with a green death ray, the best course of action is to follow a cute dog wherever it goes. The dog never dies in the movies. Never. They could be in the midst of a killer explosion, buildings and freeways collapsing all around them, and the dog will always get out without a singed hair on its body. Follow the dog, you make it out alive. The simplest of rules.

Or failing that:

Best Course Of Action: Run away.

Terrorist Invasion.

If terrorists take over the building you are currently in, one of the first things you will suddenly start having the urge to do is to remove your shirt and start crawling round in the air ducts whilst wearing a vest.

Two problems with this. 1) I don’t wear a vest. 2) I’m claustrophobic.

Now the benefit of never wearing a vest is that if I take my shirt off, the moment any light hits my pasty English body, any terrorists in the vicinity will suddenly be blinded by the pure white energy beams that bounce off my skin and therefore be unable to shoot me, thus aiding my escape (and it’s a proven fact that the world leaders are looking at harnessing the power of the pale skin of the British as a form of alternative energy to aid climate change. Did you know that 50 British people sunbathing on a Spanish beach could power New York for eight months?)

The claustrophobia side of things I can’t control though. There is no way I am getting in an air duct. So I will probably have to resort to running up and down the fire escape stairs in a massive panic until caught.

Now before we started “The war on terror”, terrorists were normally European, had some dastardly plan that normally involved stealing vast amounts of cash, and the lead baddie was nearly always played by a British guy, because apparently the British accent is both creepy, and intelligent (and I get called both on a regular basis, so there must be some truth in that).

So if you do get caught, the best way to escape is to ask the leader to sit down and have a cup of tea with you, crack out the garibaldi biscuits, and then ask them how the weather has been lately. And the moment they go all misty eyed over talking about the British favourite subject, and start saying, “Well, it was very close last night. Very muggy, no air. Was a nightmare trying to get some sleep”, slip out the back door quietly saying that you are going out to get more biscuits.

Best Course Of Action: Run away.

Giant Insects Through Nuclear Testing/Toxic Waste.

Now this all depends on what kind of insect gets enlarged. If it is a slug then that's not too bad really. You could probably just go over to it and poke it with a stick. But say if it’s an ant, or god forbid, a really big bastard spider, then you have problems.

Normal response for me with spiders is to get a glass and a bit of paper and use them to remove it. I am fine with the little ones; it’s when you start getting to the larger house spiders that I start freaking out. I suppose I am arachnophobia, but only with the scary ones with the large legs, the little ones I can handle. So to be faced with one the size of a 4-door family saloon could be a daunting experience. And finding a glass that size could prove a problem.

Your best bet is to find a tank. Or a really, really big can of Raid. 

Best Course Of Action: Run away.

Plague/virus.

A timely one this. The moment that any worldwide plague or virus is made public knowledge, you need to make yourself a germ warfare suit out of black bin bag liners, taping them all together and using two plastic cups as eye goggles. Once your suit is made, you can go out into the wasteland and start collecting supplies.

A good weapon is handy in situations like this. I prefer a shotgun. It’s big, loud, and always looks cool in the movies.

Now the thing about infection is that it’s every man for himself. You suspect anyone of having the disease; you have to end them fast. Any sign of sneezing, wheezy chests or watery eyes, then kill that person before they pass it on to you.

And you’re basically screwed if you suffer from hayfever. Stock up on antihistamines, otherwise your brains will be splattered over the floor quicker than you can say “It’s a pollen based allergy! I’m fine!”

Now if you are one of the lucky ones who have a natural immunity, then it falls down to you to find out others with this same immunity and to start to repopulate the world. Yes, it is a dirty job, but you have to put personal feelings aside and go collect a harem of the opposite sex, stick name badges with each day of the week on them so you don’t get confused, and just go for it. It will be a long, hard, filthy job, but remember, you are doing this for the future of mankind. And if you insist that all of your harem call you Grand Master Flash, then that is entirely up to you.

Best Course Of Action: Run away (in germ warfare suit)

Weather Goes Mental.

Climate change is all around us. Newspapers and TV shows are screaming at us that the end is coming sooner than we think. So what can we do?

Well, firstly, rising sea levels are a given fact. So it might be prudent to walk round with one of those rubber rings round your waist. If you can find a novelty one that maybe has a duck on it then that will raise a smile in times of worry.

Earthquakes, harsh winters, boiling hot summers, tsunamis, tornados, solar flares, all of the above will start to happen with alarming regularity.

So how the hell do you survive it?

Well, your best bet is to try and hook up with a very photogenic family, preferably with some sort of relationship issues. The father could not get along with his son, or the husband could be estranged from his wife and kids. These are the people that will survive this form of apocalypse (apart from the stepdad, he never does. So stay the hell away from him). You maybe could just tag along with them at a distance? Keep out of all the rows and emotional bonding that will be going on as that will normally make you want to vomit every five minutes (though if there is a rescue mission to save one of the family, do go on that, they always work out fine. Well, unless it’s to save the stepdad. Repeat, stay away from the stepdad).  

And just before you feel as if your head is going to explode from all the “I am so sorry I was never there for you.” and the “We stick together as a family.” bullshit that they will be spouting at any given opportunity, just try and keep calm. There will normally be some destination of safety that they are heading towards due to the fact the male of the group is always an expert in whatever catastrophe has occurred. So once you reach this destination, be it an ark, or some army base, while they are all jumping up and down on the side of a mountain with joy, you can push them all off and watch them fall screaming into oblivion, and then walk down to the safe place happy in the knowledge that as a family they will stick together (mainly in messy lumps on the floor).

Then you can laugh.

Best Course Of Action: Run away with a family.

I do hope that some of this has been helpful for you? One of the above will happen at some point, so it’s always best to have these little scenarios playing in the back of your mind. Keep going over them until you feel as if you can do them all in your sleep. That is if you can get any sleep from worrying about any of the above actually happening.

Stay safe people.