Don’t Tell Mom The Babysitters Dead……

I babysat for the first time ever yesterday. It was hard work, I can tell you. All that running around, making sure nothing of mine was getting chewed up, the horrendous slobber everywhere, and the least said about standing outside in the rain waiting for the baby to take a crap on the wet grass, the better.

Ahhhh, I had you! Go on, admit it. You thought it was a human baby, didn’t you? I’m such a kidder.

No, I babysat this.

Yep, Kates staff. Peggy. 

As Kates was working till late, and the dog would be left on its own for quite some time, being the unemployed bum that I am, I said I would take her for the day.

Now I love this little shit with all my heart, but she can be hard work. One person who doesn’t love her with all her heart is my cat, Dotty (see here).

This was Dotty before Peggy came round.

This was her after she left.

Notice the thousand yard stare? It’s like she had just returned back from Nam.

You weren’t there man. You don’t know what I’ve seen.

So anyway, Kates brought Peggy round about nine in the morning. I had been rushing round, making everything puppy proof, when they both came in.

Immediately I had the dog jumping up at me, trying to lick me. I love that moment. Dogs just love to see you. Dotty had become quite attuned to when Peggy was coming over, and could normally smell her when she was coming up the stairs of my apartment block, so she had taken her normal position of huddling in fear on top of my refrigerator.

“Now are you sure you are going to be OK with this?” Kates asked me.

“I’ll be fine, honestly. I’ve had my own dog before, remember?” I replied. And I had. My lovely Labrador Jack, who was now living with my Uncle.

Here is Peggy and Jack over the park.

“Take her out at least three times a day. Give her lots of attention. She normally has a food pouch about now; give her the other about five.”

“Do you want me to burp her afterwards?” I said.

I got the “Shut up” look.

“I don’t know if this is a good idea. Are you sure you will be OK with her?”

Kates is very protective of Peggy. She is probably one of the best dog owners I have ever seen. And she was entrusting her little princess with me.

“It will be fine, seriously. We are going have so much fun. Just go to work.” I said, shooing her out of my apartment.

After a kiss goodbye, and one final “Are you sure about this?”, me and the dog (and the cat) were left alone.

I stared at the dog.

The dog stared back at me.

I smiled.

The dog’s tail wagged.

And the ice was broken.

“Come on then, let’s get you some food.” I said to Peggy. Peggy woofed a reply that I hope was “Thank you.”

The first hour was the hardest. As Peggy had never been left alone with me for any length of time, she started to try and assert her dominance over me. This mainly involved picking up one of my nice trainers and running round the flat with it. Every time I tried to get it off her, she would scoot out of range of my grasping hands and continue the game.

I tried to remember my training from having Jack. Always show the dog whose boss. Never give into their demands. Always stare at them till the dog looks away, that signifies you are alpha male (for any men reading, that last bits also works with the ladies as well)

It didn’t work. She then dropped my trainer and picked up her food bowl from the floor. As the bowl was bigger than her head, she couldn’t see anything, and started to bounce off things as she ran, like a furry ball in a pinball machine.

I looked at Dotty sitting on the refrigerator and sighed. It was going to be a long day. The cat gave me a look back as if to say: You are an idiot.

“I know lets watch some films.” I said aloud. I have no idea why I do that? I am always talking to Dotty when I am alone in the flat. My one fear is that she will start talking back to me.

Me: How was your day then Dotty?

Dotty: It was fine, thank you. I had some breakfast. Slept in your sock drawer for an hour. Then took a massive shit in my litter tray.

Me: Arrrrrrgh!

I picked two films at random from my collection and dumped the dog on the sofa.

“Right, sit with me and watch……..” I said, having a look at the two films in my hand “….The Incredibles and The Patriot?.......... Eh?”

Hmmmmn, odd choices?

As soon as I stuck The Incredibles on, the combination of comfortable sofa, and me stroking her head, settled her down nicely.

About halfway through the film, I got a text from Kates.

Kates: What are you doing? Is the dog OK? She is still OK, isn’t she?

Me: She is fine. We are watching The Incredibles.

Kates: That's random.

Now, I have to admit, when I saw that film in the cinema with Kates, I had to confess to her that I found Mrs Incredible, rather….er….how shall I say, hot? I think it was the combination of skin tight lycra, knee high boots, and the fact she could bend into a thousand different positions. It didn’t really matter to me that she was made out of pixels.

I then got another text.

Kates: Stop perving Mrs Incredible.

Me: Mmmmmmmn. Bendy.

Kates: Bendy whore.

So we finished the film, and I then stuck on The Patriot (Mel Gibson. American revolutionary war. Bit dull) and Peggy managed to review that movie quite admirably, as she alternated between sleeping, and licking her own anus, all the way through it. They should have stuck that on the back of the DVD cover.

So good it will make you want to lick your own anus!

I ended up getting sleepy myself, and just started to doze off, when I noticed the dog wasn’t beside me.

Uh oh.

And I had a terrible feeling in the bottom of my stomach that I knew where she was.

About three weeks ago, Kates and Peggy were over, and I had just finished putting on some fresh new linen on my bed, when Peggy jumped up on it, spin round three times, and then pissed all over my bed, while I stood there, open mouthed in shock.

Getting up from the sofa, I ran into my bedroom to see her on my bed, just completing the last of three spins.

I stared at her.

She stared at me.

It was like the Mexican standoff from Reservoir Dogs, but instead of guns, it was a full bladder of warm piss.

A trickle of sweat ran down my face.

I could hear the theme tune to The Good The Bad And The Ugly playing in my head.

The dog’s eyebrows raised.

The piss started……..

“Nooooooooooooooo!” I yelled, diving at the bed in slow motion in the same manner that the hero does when diving in front of a bullet in the movies.

This scared the dog and made her leap off the bed, still spraying hot piss everywhere, like a surreal urine fountain. Pissy paw prints ran all over my lovely wooden flooring as she scampered around the room.

“Stop pissing!” I yelled, causing the puppy to stop, release one more little spurt, and then sit there, staring at me with a look that held a faint hint of a smile. It was at that point that Dotty chose to make an appearance from under my bed, where she had been hiding. She smelt one of the puddles of urine, looked at me, and then slunk off into the living room. No more needed to have been said really. Her whole cat body signalled a massive: I told you so.

Now you have to bear in mind, as part of my OCD package, I am a complete clean freak. Everything must be shiny, fresh, and gleaming. Piss is definitely not a part of that list.

I could only stand there and survey the damage of my once clean and lovely bedroom.

“Bad dog!” I scolded her. She knew she had done wrong. How could I tell?

This was her for the rest of the day.

So eventually Kates came home about nine in the evening to find my flat looking like a bomb had hit it, me frantically scrubbing piss off the floor, and the puppy flat out on its back on the sofa with all four paws in the air.

“So how was it?” She asked, nervously.  

“Fine” Scrub. Scrub. “She was as good as gold.” Scrub. Scrub. Scrub.

Kates had to get up about five this morning to leave. I was awoken by something vigorously licking my ear.

Either Kates was really upset about leaving me, or it was Peggy.

I turned over onto my back, and was greeted by the happy face of the puppy.

“Morning you.” I croaked.

The puppy gave me a big wet lick on the nose and lay down on my chest with a big sigh of contentment.

Come on, you have got to love her, ain’t you?

The trainer chewing, piss spreading, cat bothering, little bastard.