He Talks To The Animals….

Apart from writing, I can safely say that my one and only other real passion in life is for animals. And not just the cute and fluffy kind, but even the really ugly ones as well. Those with teeth and pincers and eyes on stalks, all kinds of animal life fall within my love radar, I'm not all about the hot ones, you know?

I am just fascinated by the natural world. How it adapts and thrives to fit its surrounding. How they care for their young (well, most species) with a dedication that puts us to shame. And just how amazing it is that such things of beauty actually live on the same planet that I do. I have made a vow with myself that when I am older, and work and money are no longer a priority in my world, I will see out the remainder of my days seeing as much of it as I can.

I want to visit rainforests. I want to hug a monkey. I want to see the sunrise in some far flung country as its inhabitants drink from watering holes. I’m going to do this, sooner rather than later. I’m just going to do as much as I possibly can. To me, all of it is a gift and it is up to me if I am going to take it or not. And I will.

As most of the animal world I encounter now is mainly based here at home, I still can’t help but go all gooey with any kind of animal I meet..

I can’t pass a dog without bending down to pet it and make best friends and then try and steal it if the owner isn’t looking. If I go over to somebody's house and they have cats, rather than spend any time with the person I am meant to be visiting, I will be rolling around on the floor with their feline pets, rubbing faces with them and bonding. It is a common sight to see me sitting on someone's sofa with cats lying on me like I am some Dan shaped cushion.

And I love it.

I donate money every month to animal welfare charities, I get teary whenever I read of any form of cruelty to any animal, and I have even adopted a silverback gorilla called Ndahura from a charity called Friend A Gorilla.. Its brilliant. You get monthly updates on how him and his family (who are called the Bitukura) are doing in the jungle, and you also can log it and get satellite updates via GPS as they move across the land. Its awe inspiring stuff. My only worry is that one day I get a knock at the door and find a huge silverback sitting there with an overnight bag and a handwritten sign that says “Daddy”. That would be a tad hard to explain to the neighbours, and more importantly, my cat. But on the plus side it will make me 70% more attractive to women as it’s a proven scientific fact that women like men who have gorillas for best friends. And you can’t argue with scientific fact. I think that was proven once by scientific fact or something?

My love of all things animal started at a very early age at home. Apparently when I was a toddler, I would enter a room holding our cat Tibby by its tail and wearing a huge smile on my face. That cat never did like me much though. I could never understand why?

After I began living on my own, I ended up sharing my house with my family cat called Tinker (I didn’t name him, blame my mum for that one). Now Tinker was a strange cat. The most loving and people friendly animal you could imagine, he also had the rather unfortunate habit of being a little bit…..well, shall we say, dirty? He just didn’t know how to clean himself like cats normally do. He was a longhair and would regularly come in covered in leaves and grass so he resembled one of those tumbleweeds that you normally see rolling across the desert in westerns. His unhygienic ways earned him a name change from Tinker to Minger, and then finally it just settled on The Ming. He lived to the ripe old age of 23 and I miss him like crazy.

The cat I have at the moment is Dotty. Long term readers will know that I have spoken of her before, and even included pictures because that how I roll. Now Dotty is a high maintenance cat. She hates everybody but me, and even then she doesn’t like me that much unless I am feeding her.

I delivered Dotty about three years ago when her mum Holly got pregnant. I didn’t know she was pregnant. I came home from work and found her trying to get my attention by literally meowing right in my face. I got her a pillow to lie on and about five minutes later her lower half convulsed and a beautiful little kitten popped out. Being the stupid man that I am, I was elated with joy whilst fighting back tears and also not trying to throw up at the same time.

Now it’s just me and Dotty living in perfect harmony together. Unless she is getting fed or demanding some form of attention, she can normally be found cleaning her genitals somewhere in my flat. And the weird thing is (and maybe those who live alone with animals can back me up on this) after a long period of time, you end up speaking to your pets like they were another human being. Every night when I come home, I always have her rush to the door to greet me and I end up asking her how her day was as I hang my coat up.  I mean, why????????

Me: Hello Dotty how was your day?

Dotty: Was OK actually. Mooched around the living room for a bit, had a snooze in your sock draw for about six hours, then took a massive shit in my litter box. You can probably smell it now?

Me: My day was good as well. I ended-

Dotty: That's all very nice but feed me.

Me: OK.

The thing that amazes me most about the animal world is how much better they all are in comparison to us. True, we may have invented the Big Mac, instant coffee, and Kanye West, but if you match up these monumental achievements with anything within the animal kingdom, well, there is no contest really. And yet we humans, in our infinite wisdom, decide to rape and plunder the natural world until its inhabitants are fighting for their very survival.

We have all this wonder, all this beauty round us, and all we can do is destroy it bit by bit. It really makes me sick to my stomach and makes me think that we really don’t deserve it. We really don’t. It’s such a huge planet and yet we can’t find a way for every living thing to live in harmony with each other. I’m sorry for ending this post by turning into a hippy tree lover, but in all honesty, as I species, I hate us, I really do. We are like toddlers, just going round smashing everything up just because we can. It amazes me to think how much better the world would be if we just weren’t on it? We hunt things to the brink of existence, we destroy habitats as we spread out across the land like a virus, and one day it will just turn round and bite us so hard on the arse we will just look up with huge stupid expressions on our faces and shrug our shoulders and just go “Wasn’t me? Wasn’t my fault.” 

Bloody was though. All of it.

Especially Kanye West. For that there is no excuse.